My Ancestors Raised Me: Part 1

Trigger alert 🚨 
Some parts of this reading may trigger feelings of trauma or sadness and unhappy times in your life that either happened to you or maybe you were the doer. My intention isn’t to upset anyone but simply to help someone and to share my story.

I remember times as A little girl in a very cold world that seemed like a very unhappy place to be. My most unhappy moments was at home. When most people thought of home as a place where they felt safe and could be themselves and receive unconditional love. For me, this was the place I felt the most unsafe. 

I remember flashing blue lights, Law enforcement, Grandads with 12 gauge shotguns, crying mothers, father in a rage with bloodshot red eyes, and shocked, and bewildered siblings. This was the age of three and my life had already become a mystery. This was one of the first memories I carried with me and I can time travel back to that moment as if it happened 30 minutes ago. Later on, I would find out that definitely qualifies as PTSD.

Being an inquisitive mind at an early age, I wanted to make sense of it. How could I experience such traumatic events like that, and no one spoke of it afterward, and our family went back to what was our normal as if nothing had happened?

Photo: DALL E

Shortly after this, I remember boxes being packed and the whole family being moved from Southfield, MI to Detroit, MI. It seemed like a regular day with a little more activity than usual, but nothing out of the ordinary for regular families. I was riding with my daddy, after all, I was with him every spare moment he had. My dad was crazy about me! My mother, brother, and sister had gone ahead to the new home, and my father and I went back for the final miscellaneous items that were left at the house.

I remember I had this small stuffed white furry bear named Toby. I took Toby everywhere, and Toby was a real sense of comfort for me at a young age. I learned to become a very quiet child because I was always trying to make sense of my world. I'm paying attention to everything and it seems like it’s the safe thing to do.

I remember Toby, being a confidant and a friend who was quite like me. On this particular day, something happened that shifted the trajectory of life. When my dad and I got to the old house, he grabbed a box or two and grabbed my arm, rushed me out of the house, and pushed me into the car. We started driving so fast that he had to slam on the brakes, at a red light, and I bumped my little head on the dashboard. 

At this point, I was in complete adrenaline, trying to figure out what was going on, but too afraid to express myself, and ask why to somebody who already seemed like they were out of control. We raced down the pavement and sped into the airport like something out of a movie scene. The next thing I remember is my dad pulling up to the front pick-up area of arrivals and a guy shouting out “Hey, man did you know your tire’s on fire.” We looked back just in time for me to see the flames as he grabbed my arm and rushed through the airport. The rest was a blur. Next thing you know I’m on a plane headed to St. Croix.

This would be the beginning of the journey of my life and some of my earliest memories riddled with fear, chaos, dysfunction, and perplexities, and this was just the beginning for me.

To be continued…

Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash

I'm just sitting here reflecting on it all. (as usual) If you ever get to know me, you’ll learn that I'm a deep thinker. This asset has drawn people to me and repelled people from me. Out of balance, it can definitely be an issue, if not checked.

As some of you may know I have a podcast, it’s a personal experience podcast and you can check it out HERE.

A lot of what I speak about is ancestors, healing, generational trauma, and from trauma to empowerment. I speak a lot about that because that’s my story and that’s what built me. I’ve gone through a tremendous amount of trauma and pain in my life, but I’ve also gone through a tremendous amount of healing, and it gets deeper the more I heal

Just as deep as the Healing gets, my experience with life gets deeper. The more introspective and reflective I become. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Every experience, negative and positive played a part and had an impact on all my understanding today.

This is just one part of a series of my personal experiences of how my ancestors raised me.

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Zipporah Banyay