Balm for the Soul: Healing Without Hurry or Hindrance
Healing is Not for the Faint-Hearted
I remember, at the beginning of my healing journey, at a different phase of the journey. I started tapping into my direct traumas. I was well versed in working with therapists and sufficient in energy healing. I would find myself going through bouts of sadness about the trauma I had experienced and that pain would shift to gratitude for clarity and understanding, and then eventually that feeling or memory of the traumatic event did not exist anymore. The memory would be there, but the feeling of pain would not. The sadness would slowly subside, and eventually, I even learned to have compassion for other people through the relatedness of their experiences. it was as if I was not seeing through the eyes of the same trauma and the shift allowed room and space for connecting to others, at least from a relatability perspective.
This writing was inspired by one of my recent podcast episodes.
Check out Ep:19 HERE!
I spoke about some of the changes that I experienced over the past year, which were both transformational and healing. Finally, I was able to tap into some deeper wounds that I recently discovered were the point of a lot of my issues…
If you get a chance to listen to that episode, you know that some real breakthroughs were happening and I gained so much clarity from ongoing shadow work.
Shadow work is a term that has been thrown around carelessly on social media without people really having a true understanding of it. For me, shadow work has consisted of 6 stages:
Awareness of a part of myself that I didn’t recognize before, something that’s inhibiting me from living my true self as a spirit having a human experience.
Clarity about the thing that was blocking me from expressing the highest version of myself.
Feeling the raw uncomfortable feelings that I had stuffed deep inside of me, and replaced with other behaviors that distracted me away from the original feeling and made me feel comfortable.
Understanding the roots, causes, and conditions, and remembering the point of trauma that created the initial dysfunction.
Change the behaviors associated with the feelings, as well as understand the trauma, as it truly, was not, as I had come to perceive it.
Healing and learning to live a new truth, despite the trauma. The trauma no longer has power over me and it transcends into empowerment.
This is such a powerful form of healing that really transcends the pain but, in my experience, I found that I was not always ready for this depth of healing because this healing can bring up some pretty uncomfortable feelings and show up at some interesting times.
Emotional Detachment
For example, I went on an intentional shadow work journey in 2021. This twisted and turned me inside out. It completely changed everything I thought I knew about myself and I began to re-analyze my life and the way I have been showing up in the world.
I got honest with myself, and I started to heal the dynamics of some of my interpersonal relationships. That doesn’t mean that I began to have an open-door policy with some of these people, but I did begin to change my perception and the feelings that I had surrounding what I thought happened. I learned to accept those people as they were, and also realize that they may have been battling with their own issues, and that’s how they were showing up in the world. it had nothing to do with me I internalized certain traumas that didn’t even belong to me.
This shadow work has continued, and just recently I had another breakthrough. I didn’t realize how emotionally detached I had become from the world around me because of the trust issues I developed as a child. I didn’t trust anybody because my foundation of relationships with my parents and family members was so contorted, that I didn’t learn how to receive love properly. I had no problems with intimate relationships. Other than the fact that I could give too much to another without demanding the same in return, and then I will open myself up to be hurt, and somehow blame them.
When people reach out to me affectionately, I curl up inside of myself and imagine all the ways that they could hurt me. I believed if I stayed ahead of the trauma I could protect myself before I got hurt. I didn’t realize that this created a disconnect in interpersonal relationships. Recently, I had an experience that helped me to see how closed off I had become.
Subsequently, this behavior has gotten a lot better but It’s still there. I remember the first time. My partner asked me about my day and how I was doing and all was well. The second day he did this I went into defensive mode. How dare you ask about me and you don’t really care about me, I thought to myself. I often perceived people, saying or thinking things about me that I felt inside of myself, and I would internalize that feeling and it would become a belief and now this becomes my new truth. I didn’t even realize that I was allowing what happened to me previously to affect my reality today. I was so sensitive about normal questions for other people if I felt they were trying to get too close behind the firewall. I didn’t even realize that I was unintentionally remaining emotionally detached so that I didn’t have to feel trauma that hadn’t even happened yet.
On one particular day, I noticed the behavior. Someone asked about what I was having for lunch I got so defensive because I felt the person was trying to get too close. Later on that day, it was a holiday and we were celebrating as a group. I was included in the general conversation in the group and I was being seen and heard. I saw a different narrative and it was as if everyone was going out of their way to include me. Finally, someone touched me on my shoulder and looked into my eyes, a real spirit-to-spirit connection I said Hey, would you like some cake?” I was so delighted like a little kid and I went to choose my strawberry and cream cake from the options on the table. Shortly after that, I started to cry and I had to excuse myself, no one noticed thank goodness. I wept from a deep place in my soul because, at that moment, I realized that I wasn’t able to receive kindness. Just being kind to be kind.
It was at that moment that I realized how hardened my heart had become and my inability to receive kindness. I could give it, but I struggled with receiving it. My past traumas as a child stuck with me until very recently. I realized that I had been closed off to this type of reception and creating scenarios in my mind that were not necessarily true. about I thought someone was being nice to me. Before that, I just assumed that I wasn’t worthy. This spiraled, into me, reflecting on my incessant need to be perfect to prove that I was valuable and worthy, the impossible demands I placed on myself, and my being my own worst critic These people weren’t out to get me, my mind was my own enemy. This was a huge breakthrough and I realized I didn’t need to be so guarded to protect myself from something that hadn’t happened.
The pain of hanging onto past hurts and creating new feelings of false separation no longer felt so important that day. This is a perfect example of shadow work something that started nearly 3 years ago and the layers are slowly being removed as I’m able to be receptive to the healing I never realized how exhausting it was to keep those guards up, and how my own emotional detachment kept me feeling, as though I was separate from the rest of the world.
The feelings were painful because there was a lot of emotion surrounding a long time of living that way but, the free feeling that came from the breakthrough and the ability to let go was so worth it. It’s still new for me so I’ll have to allow the openness to express in my behavior moving forward and trust that not everybody is out to hurt me. Some people may still hurt me, that’s almost guaranteed but they don’t get to leave lifelong scars anymore unless I allow them to. Wherever I go I know there is more peace and serenity in the future. Talk about layers to healing. This quick podcast excerpt sums it up nicely!
Zipporah Banyay
3-30-24
Spiritual awareness is the recognition and understanding of the deeper meaning and purpose of life, beyond the physical and material realms. It involves a heightened sense of connection to the universe, nature, and the essence of existence. This awareness often begins with self-reflection, meditation, and mindfulness practices, allowing individuals to explore their inner selves and their relationship with the world around them. As one becomes more spiritually awareness, one may experience a profound sense of peace, clarity, and purpose. This journey often leads to the discovery of universal truths, compassion for others, and a greater appreciation for life's mysteries.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right! Thank you for your response it was thorough and well-written. I have recently written a book about what you described.
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