Breaking Generational Cycles
Good afternoon beautiful souls.
It’s a chilly day here in Nashville, Tennessee, and needless to say, I’m ready to get back to my high 70s weather in coastal Florida. It’s amazing how that works. I get to travel and see loved ones and the other parts of the earth but oftentimes I have to give up my great weather.
Thank goodness this is a short trip. I'm glad to see my oldest daughter and our newest edition, my grandson. It’s an absolute joy to experience this phase of life. I was a young mother when I had my girls completely clueless about life let alone being a mother, but they taught me, my ancestors guided me and now my daughter is a young mom too like me, I’m grateful to be able to actively participate in breaking the cycle of generational trauma. I get to be there for her and my little man.
I come from a not-very close-knit family. It’s not their fault everyone just seemed most concerned with surviving themselves and doing what they had to do and it wasn’t a whole lot of time for extra assignments like emotional support and wellbeing. When I reference my family I don’t speak to blame anyone because I understand today they did the best they could and they were working with what they were taught and was passed down to them. It took quite a bit of healing work to get to this place internally and this is my story and my story shaped my reality and the way that I behaved and previously and currently with my children and now my child’s child.
After all, that’s what generations do right? I remember watching 4 generations sitting at a dinner table: a great-grandma, a grandmother, a mother, and the mother's daughter. All mothers and daughters helping each other throughout the many phases of life and I would reflect on the wisdom that each generation had to pass down to that younger daughter. That’s something I would watch in wonder to try and understand because it seemed like such a beautiful experience and feeling.
I remember a few times that we would have about three generations and one room. My great-grandmother and favorite ancestor died in 1992 she was 92 years old. She was born in 1900. She was a native indigenous black American and half Cherokee Native American and so was my great-grandfather. He was born in 1898. She had such a calming spirit and she and I had great communication telepathically. We would use very few words, but unfortunately, I was fairly young when she transitioned.
Most of the experiences I have had with my grandmother, mother, aunt, and sister just weren’t very cohesive. They were never very organized but it all came together based on what they were accustomed to. They seem to have the sort of organized chaos that just worked for them.
Then I would go and see some of my friends, and their family dynamics with the same players of the family and it was totally different. There seemed to be peace, teamwork, people working together, and effective communication without a lot of arguing or high-volume voices. More awe and amazement to me. I was so attracted to this and I would wonder why our family wasn’t like this. At this time I knew nothing of generational trauma, healing, or anything like that. Those types of conversations weren’t being had at the dinner table. Hell, the kids ate together and the adults ate together at my house. We were like a separate extension of the larger whole.
I remember going to one family reunion in my childhood and it was so awesome for me. I was meeting people I had never seen, people who knew me to be somebody’s child, granddaughter, great niece, and distant cousins. I felt a part of something. A family!
When I had my girls, I was adamant about making sure they were close with each other and that they knew their family on both sides. My mom’s side is the Native American side and my Dad’s is from the Caribbean and our family can be traced back to Nigeria through my great-grandfather. I often joke around that I'm Afro-Ameri-Bean and I always check the other box when asked to describe my ethnicity. There’s way too much discussion and diversity to just be black!
From an early age, I had my girls on planes to the Virgin Islands, and car rides to Detroit. They knew their southern family in Tennessee and as I started to tap into my roots and ancestral history, they were right there with me. When I gained knowledge of self, so did they! They had a very well-rounded childhood that afforded them a sense of empowerment and pride that I didn’t have when I was their age. I often think to myself if I did one thing, right, the best lessons I could give my girls They could take with them for a lifetime. It would be knowledge of who they are, knowledge of their ancestors, (living and transitioned), and spiritual freedom. The Swahili word “Sankofa” means to go back and get to return. My interpretation of the meaning is to go back to where you came from to know where you’re going.
We have the newest addition to our family. And the newest ancestor returned. He’s absolutely perfect and he came to this earth that way, the same way we all arrive. Then something happens that changes the trajectory of our lives. I actually wrote a poem about that recently. Most times that first trauma comes from within our own families and our whole outlook on life changes. Before you know it, we create patterns and habits and unconsciously begin to behave the same way we learned in our early development years. Next thing you know we’re passing trauma down the line and the cycle doesn’t stop until someone stops it.
As a young mom that’s exactly what I started doing without being conscious of it. I just knew I wanted a better childhood experience for my girls than I had. This doesn’t mean that I was perfect and got it all right because I certainly am human, and also was parenting immaturely without a handbook. I had to grow into it after all, I had my own pain and trauma to deal with, and as I began to heal I learned old patterns and new behaviors.
One of the most important ways I practiced this was by always telling my girls “I love you” for all sorts of occasions. I didn’t get that very much as a child when someone muttered the words. It seemed very obligatory to say it back. There was no real emotion connected to it and I often struggle with what should have been the feeling attached to words. Needless to say, my girls got I love you for gentle love shots, moments of sadness, proud moments, just because moments, and anything in between. At certain times no occasion was just necessary. Just need to know and feel loved. It’s something we still share with each other and I know that my girls felt love at home before entering the world on their own.
"Small changes that lead to bigger results begin to restore wounds of the spirit and create healing caused by trauma and dysfunction.- Zipporah Banyay
I am by no means a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, and I feel those are valuable assets along the healing process. I am just one woman and this is just a part of my story and experience.
Zipporah Banyay
3-17-24
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